Your tween is looking to you for advice. They just don’t want to hear it.

Until they feel heard and understood.

Your Assumptions Are Probably Wrong

If you jump into giving advice after ‘listening’ for less than five minutes, you probably don’t understand the real issue.

I’m guilty of this.

My daughter will be telling me about something she’d like to do, and instead of asking clarifying questions, I jump in with an extrapolation of what will happen if she stays on that trajectory.

I get excited when my kids have ideas — my brain instantly develops a five-year plan for how they can move their idea forward. I assume that the idea is the main point. It’s not. And after being told that they weren’t looking for the five-year plan. I started zipping my lips and listening to what they were saying.

It’s hard, but here’s what I’m doing.

There’s Probably More to the Story

I listen with curiosity.

When I listen with intent and curiosity, I can start putting the pieces together. And soon, I begin to see their vision instead of mine.

Listening Will Get You to the Heart of the Matter

Active listening requires thought. As a parent, this is where asking questions based on your knowledge and experience will keep your tween talking.

And if you’re not sure what to ask, do as Michael Bungay Stanier suggests in his book “The Coaching Habit” and ask, “what else?” It will keep you from dispensing advice when you should be listening.

If you’ve ever washed your tween’s clean or barely worn clothes. Or had them angry with you because their favorite shirt wasn’t clean – it’s time for them to step up and do their own laundry.

Doing Laundry Develops Your Tweens Scheduling and Planning Skills

My daughters started doing their laundry when they were eight.

Initially, we set laundry days. I showed them how to sort their clothes so they wouldn’t end up with everything a sickly shade of pink. And how to take care of delicate items. They learned how to de-wrinkle stuff in the dryer and discovered that some clothes need to be washed and dried differently – so they didn’t shrink.

And it only took a few times of madly rooting through their dirty hamper and trying to freshen up their favorite shirt before they figured out when they should do their laundry and how long it took.

Responsibility Creates Appreciation and Awareness

When I go to a hotel, one of the things I enjoy most is having clean towels appear each day. I appreciate this because I know the work required to have those fresh towels waiting for me.

When we allow our tweens to do their laundry, it creates an awareness of the work we do as parents. And, on occasion, when you choose to offer to do their laundry for them, they’ll appreciate it.

Laundry is an Easy Step Towards Independence

The stakes are low, and the learning opportunities are high. And, when you transfer this responsibility to your tween, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the subtle shift in your relationship.

When kids hit their tweens, we assume they’re old enough to stay home alone.

The problem with fixating on age instead of maturity means that some kids manage themselves at home alone before they have the skills to do so. Others are prepared to handle the responsibility but are stuck at home with a nanny. Age cannot be the only indicator of readiness. Maturity is harder to evaluate. However, there are a few key indicators.

For example:

• Doing chores with minimal reminding or complaints
• Managing their after-school routine independently
• Able to come up with logical solutions to simple problems

It’s not just about age

Your child’s unique brain, their environment and experiences influence the way they act, think, and feel.

As parents, we can’t control our child’s unique brain – although sometimes we wish we could instantly install logic – but we do have some control over our home environment and the experiences.

It’s about handling responsibility

Giving your tween some responsibilities will help them hit those brain development milestones and set them up for success.

According to the research, kids that do chores are better equipped to deal with frustration, adversity, and delayed gratification. If you take the time to give explicit instructions, they’ll be able to take a few household chores off your plate, and they’ll feel good about contributing.

Age-appropriate responsibilities build home alone readiness

So when you’re trying to fill the after-school/ home from work childcare gap, consider helping your tween develop the skills they need to manage themselves safely at home alone. Your child will thank you – and so will your chequebook.

What if the teen years could be good?

There’s a lot to learn before thirteen, and often it’s not until eleven that parents start to stare the upcoming teenage years in the face and panic.

• What if they succumb to peer pressure and something bad happens?
• What if they’re unmotivated and their grades suffer?
• What if they make choices that adversely affect their future?

You’ll miss the opportunity of the tween years if you spend it worrying about the teen years.

You’ll need to change your parenting style.

When my youngest turned eight it finally sunk in that we were headed to the teen years. It was a stage I was looking forward to but knew that the tween years would impact the teen years. And they have. They allowed us to start figuring out how to start letting go and become more proactive parents.

Prioritize Your Relationship

Regardless of where you are in the tween year continuum, building a strong relationship starts with better communication.

During those tween years, your kids are still interested in what you have to say. But, take time to listen. You’ll discover what the world looks like through their eyes. You’ll see their personality develop as they talk through their thoughts. Consider it a privilege to coach and guide them as they start to explore their interests in new ways.

No More Forgotten Middle

Before you’re ready to think of them growing up they’re ready to start spreading their wings. Help them learn to fly. Onboarding starts at eight.